The biggest impact of traumatic past is you being shut off from part of you deep on the inside.
But when it is back, your whole being is surging to wholeness…
The best thing about it?
There’s no going back.
The surging of joy, the welcoming back of a part that lay buried within.
The moment that I stopped myself running away…
From when I was eight, the memory of the stranger.
He led me away from the home, deep into the forest.
I was like a puppet in following every instruction to please him.
The shift back was sudden – I found myself running into the light, familiar places and people I knew…
But I had no words, and no feelings.
No way to describe what this was – the rape.
And no way of knowing of how it would haunt me, for years.
The panic, the fear, and being so alone – it wasn’t the worst.
The worst part was trying – and failing – to find the way out.
Every time I wanted to open, get close, or have sex, I was frozen, a failure.
Even as I learned to set it aside, to love and to live, this hurt has lived on within me.
The war in Ukraine and the stories, the countless stories of innocents having to suffer has brought it all back…
It was strangely confused, it’s like something was missing, or lost.
But inside of me I found an urge – let it out, find a way.
I had no idea how, but then I made a choice:
To latch onto this hope, wish, this desire to find the way out.
This – the hardest decision that you often make, one that nobody sees, one that won’t get acknowledged, it’s so easy to miss…
And I missed it, for so many times, but not now.
It’s the most fragile time of all when you’re falling towards the unknown.
You are trying, exploring, you don’t know what to do, and it’s crucial to trust:
Trust yourself, that you’ll figure it out, that you will find a way!
You have done this before, in the innermost moments, in the moments when you did your best, everything that you can, to hold on, to preserve, to keep going!
You will do so again, and you’ll find your way through it, and this journey is unique to you.
So I found myself writing a play – about past, and of losing the memories, but I also wanted some feedback to see if I’m on the right track…
In search of a practitioner who gets storytelling for stage, I came across the profile of a researcher who’s running a program for women who are survivors of child sexual abuse.
The program is all about writing this gut wrenching past out of yourself as a group, and boxing – just reading about this sent shivers down my spine… I just had to talk to her!
A few emails later, we sat down together, and hearing her story has opened me up.
And you should have seen it:
This torrent of pain, shame, and anger, and hurt, it all came out hurtling from someplace within me.
And here was this person who’s lived it, who knows what it’s like – the pristine and absolute moment of pure understanding.
And when it was done, she said to me:
It seems you’ve been holding back in your play. You are survivor, we need to hear your voice.
This struck me like thunder, and next day I go for a jog in the bush, I cannot stop thinking about what she said, and there, in the moment, this phrase in my mind:
You are a survivor. You are a survivor. You are…
I fall on my knees, and I’m crying, no, sobbing, a heavy weight lifts from my shoulders.
I get up, and pointing towards the sun, I only can whisper:
You are who you are.
And right in that moment, I feel a part of me come to life, a part that’s inside, but also a place in my body, within the abdominal.
This part never left.
It’s there, it helping me feeling more, it’s pulling me forward to heal.
I’m feeling more present, alive, greater purpose.
I have greater calm on the inside, I feel there is so much to give…
Because we have so much to give – to ourselves, to the world, and people around us.
This journey to heal is a wild one – you won’t know the places it takes you until that one step:
Step into unknown because somewhere, somehow you’re hoping there’s more to life, and suffering isn’t the end.
You’re here, my friend.
Please know – you belong.
You’re one of us, many, we’re striving for more:
And each step, each decision is bringing us closer to our story of personal triumph.
Decisions – the topic of this week’s podcast.
I hope you can join me this week on The Happy YOU for Healing and Growing together:
Thank you for being here, my friend!
Your journey is unlike anyone else, and yet there’s so much we share – we all who are touched by trauma.
Your story is our story, and through connection, through sharing our pains, struggles and hopes, we keep moving forward.
If you are looking for a pick me up, check out my brand new book on thriving in times of uncertainty: