#107 – Denying the Trauma

Denial – a soft woolly blanket on a cold morning.

If I can stayed curled up here in bed, then everything turns out okay.

And does it?

Life is facing the inevitable – you are seeing things as they are.

You try and keep going even you don’t know how – this is HOPE.

Our hope, the journey to giving your because you have so much to give!

Our hope, the journey to grow into the life you deserve, of love, the joy and affection, and dreams, your dreams of making things right.

Our hope, the journey to heal, from troubles and hurt, even if hazy, unclear, remote, and forgotten…

Forgotten – by whom?

Not by us.

Deep inside, we remember.

Our brains and our hearts, they want to move on, but they find it hard.

And so we deny.

Denying our truth, denying our trauma – it comes with a cost.

For me, it was having to hide my wounds so I deep that I couldn’t see them myself.

The hurt and the shame that came from abuse at the time when I was a child did not go away.

They reared the head when I was defenceless, and literally naked, in wanting to be intimate, to have sex:

And I could not do it.

Because it was blocked, frozen, and I could feel nothing.

Nothing at all – not body, not mind, not within.

Lost, helpless, alone – the price that I paid for denial.

Denying the truth that I faced it’s me who has suffered for decades, me – no, not the one raping a child, but me.

You know what – I am grateful:

Denial has helped me go on, but to a point.

The damage it did I got to face at my lowest, but glad that I did – there’s no going back.

Only forward.

The truth that we carry inside – it needs to come out, and live, in helping us heal and to go on, together.

Because your story is our story.

We’re in this together!

I wish that I started this earlier.

I wish I had words.

I wish that I wasn’t afraid.

But maybe then I wasn’t ready?

You are where you are, and I don’t know where you might be finding yourself on your journey to heal, but I’d love to check in the way I do with myself, as survivor.

This week on the podcast I’m asking the questions I wish I had asked myself:

If you are looking for a pick me up, check out my brand new book on thriving in times of uncertainty: